That Terrible Feeling

One of the toughest thing I think as a brand new dad is to cope with the feeling of helplessness. It's true and I'm being honest.

It's 1.11am and Maegan is fast asleep. Soundly I might add. Just less than 15mins ago, it was a completely different story altogether. She almost cried the roof down.

It started about 9 - 10pm when she started crying non-stop. I was out and Daphne, her mum, and our confinement nanny tried almost every trick in the bag but she wouldn't stop. Josephine, Daphne's massage lady carried Maegan for a while, massaged her baby feet for a while and asked if she had gotten a jab. Without knowing Sunday's hospital visit, Josephine was right. Maegan ,it seems was somewhat in shock after drawing blood.

Right through the night, she kept crying, feeding, sleeping and crying again. Not her typical cry that stops after you cuddle but one that kept going on.

Worst for me was she seems to cry louder when she is in my arms. It wasn't like this the whole of last two weeks. I was able to calm her down. Soothe her with music and humming. She liked it. She slept, in my arms but now, she wouldn't. Not even when I sang her "You'll never walk alone." (which almost always work by the way)

I can't help it but think that she's angry and upset with me because I allowed her to be hurt in a very painful way. I was the last face she saw before she got jabbed and the first face to pick her up after.

So at 12.00am when she started crying again, I asked to carry her. I wanted her to know that daddy is around and loves her and will cuddle her until she sleeps but she kept on crying. Passing her on to our confinement nanny brought little comfort. She was better with her but she still cried.

We checked everything. Fed her water, changed her diapers, cuddled, and rocked her. She still cried.

And then the feeling hit me. It's terrible feeling helpless especially for a guy.

Why do I say that? Well, guys are "Mr Fix-It". They are typically the ones that seems to be able to reboot the computer when it has crashed. They are the ones that knows how to connect the DVD player to the TV in the bedroom, much to the delight of wives. Guys are problem solvers. We need to problem solve if not we can't sleep.

If our PDA doesn't sync with our computers, we stay up all night trying to fix it. We search the web, read magazines, chat on forums. We do everything to make sure we fix the problem and when we do, we feel satisfied. We feel accomplished. We feel Man.

That's us. (Okay I'm generalising. Not every guy is like that. Some just smashes it when they can't fix it)

So to hold an almost 3 weeks old baby, wailing in your arms and you have no idea what to do or what's happening, it drives you crazy. It's a terrible feeling being helpless.

Every father in the world wants to know how to make her stop, how to pacify her, how to sing to her that will make her cool down and sleep. Every father wants to find a solution that will make her baby comfortable and smile. Including me.

The problem is a solution may never be found. We can troubleshoot all we want whenever our son or daughter cries. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes we hit jackpot and sometimes, we simply run out of luck. But we just keep on trying. One thing's for sure, if my friends and mentors are of any indication, we get better being dads, overtime.

Perhaps we just need to realise that when it comes to our babies, we don't have all the answers and we can't fix "her" like we fix "it". It's a different skill this parenting thing. And I've just been thrown into the deep end of the learning curve. Drowing at times, paddling at times.

One thing's for sure, knowing all of that doesn't change my feeling of helplessness. It's still there.

But you know what? It sure gives me hope.